Who I am, Where I come from, What I believe and How I Can Help You…

My background is that my childhood was filled with violence and abuse and I was ordered to be silent at all times.  I didn’t understand my intense feelings like anger and sadness, and I had nowhere to go with these feelings either, so I swallowed them, along with my food and pushed them back down.  

Each day simply meant “survival.”  I functioned like a robot; I lived in fear and I was frozen in panic.  Feelings of humiliation and shame were very familiar to me.

At 15, the violence escalated further and I left school and began full time work.  In order to cope with the stress, I started binge eating.  Binge eating worked on one level, as soon as I put food in my mouth, I felt calmer.  But then I had the problem of gaining a lot of weight – and the stress that caused the weight gain still didn’t go away.

Disrespectful comments from others drove me to find a solution to fix this problem.   My solution was to diet all the fat off my body to ‘prove that I was worth something’.  And then the next 13 years were spent with extreme eating disorders, body image issues and general feelings of helplessness.

I consider myself lucky...

I am one of millions of survivors of domestic violence and sexual abuse.  There is nothing unique in my story: I found a way out of my pain, I am free of all eating disorders and I feel about a million times better about myself than I ever did.

Now, I am in the position of being able to share everything I have learnt in my recovery with you.  I have kept all the skills, tools, strategies and resources that worked to make a difference and I have polished and refined them, so that I can share them with you in an easy to understand way.

Initially, I found a way out of the darkness by giving birth naturally to two gorgeous, healthy babies, which overnight, gave me a new respect for my body.  

During my first pregnancy, to ward off nausea, I accidentally discovered that eating plenty of healthy foods regularly and consistently throughout the day, was what stopped me from binge eating.  There was no need to overeat, if I already felt satisfied and nourished to begin with.

Our Eating Issues are Coping Mechanisms and Symptoms of Larger Problems

I realised all my overeating and my eating disorders were only ever coping mechanisms and symptoms of a much bigger problem.  

Yes, they helped me survive my life and my difficult feelings in the moment, but then I was left with two sets of problems.  

One problem was that I continually gained weight and felt trapped in the overeating cycle: starving myself first, then losing control of my natural hunger and satiety cues and ending up overeating, then hating myself for my loss of control, then starving myself again to make up for all the extra food I just ate.  And the cycle continued.

The other problem is that I would never allow myself to feel my feelings.  The moment I thought I was going to feel a difficult feeling, I would smother it with food and numb myself out, so I didn’t have to feel it. 

The result was that I didn’t get to have that essential exposure to the difficult feeling I was numbing with food in the first place and I also didn’t get to experience the deep feelings of satisfaction and trust in myself that I was enough to handle that feeling.

This is how all addictions work.  We, with eating issues, are Food People and we chose food as our substance.  We could have chosen any other addiction to escape from our pain: drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, hoarding, pornography, gaming, sex or even a dependency on another person to take away our pain – they all “work” everytime we use them.  This whole process is about suppressing and denying our true feelings, so we don’t have to feel them.

Working for Eating Disorders Queensland

In 1999, I began volunteering with Eating Disorders Queensland.  I got a beautiful encouraging welcome from the Coordinator, Joanne Blair.  I started contributing by writing for their monthly newsletter “Through the Looking Glass”.

I was completely shocked when I opened my letterbox the next month and found the EDQ had printed my letter in its entirety, with no editing!  That was the first time in my life that I had been valued for my experience, and it felt amazing. 

In my 14 years of working at EDQ, I enjoyed contributing in many different roles, including facilitating quite a few of their 10 week recovery groups.

My First Client

I’ll always remember my first client.  A lady contacted me and said “I know you don’t do counselling, but I just wanted to talk to you because I know you’ll understand what I’m going through.”

She came over to my house and we sat on the back deck and we talked for three hours.  Before she left, she told me she found our conversation very helpful and she wanted to give me something for my time.  She gave me $20.  It was the most satisfying three hours I had ever spent and it never once felt like work.

After that, I knew that I could use my experience to help other people.  There was now a real reason why I needed to have all of my experiences – however horrible I deemed them to be at the time – because without them, I couldn’t relate to what anyone else was going through.

Working with People with Eating Issues

From 2004 to 2019, I presented workshops on eating issues at the Relaxation Centre of Queensland to help people understand why they eat the way they do.

From 2004 to 2020,  I ran an office where I had a consultation room and I worked one on one with my clients in a very private space.  

After Covid, I continued to provide support to people with eating issues, but this time, it was simply with Phone Support, as I now appreciated the flexibility this option provided for both the caller and the receiver.

In 2020, I wrote and published my first book, 

“Eating Out of Control: 7 Steps to Understanding why you do it, so you can stop”.

Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life

In 2022, I committed to completing a degree to become a Certified Trainer in Nonviolent Communication.  I initially approached Nonviolent Communication as a way to help me deal with my anger, so I could be in charge of it and I could learn to express myself in a healthy way, rather than allowing my anger to control me in an unhealthy way.

Mahatma Gandhi, the great Indian Leader, was considered the Father of Nonviolence and the man who led India to independence from Britain (he was assassinated just 5 months after this world event). Gandhi believed that Nonviolence was a courageous way to confront evil and a powerful tool for oppressed people to fight for freedom. One of his famous quotes was “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” He also said “It is beneath human dignity to lose one’s individuality and become a mere cog in the machine. Whatever you do will be seen to be insignificant, but it is important that you do it.”

Martin Luther King Junior, the Civil Rights Activist, lived and breathed Nonviolence through his courageous work in creating change in the world.  MLK was hugely inspired by Gandhi’s work and they both believed in the power of Nonviolent Resistance and the connection between social change and nonviolence. Their ideas inspired many later protests and demonstrations. A famous quote of MLK’s was “Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon that cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals.” He also said “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

Nelson Mandela’s life became a powerful demonstration of what it means to be Nonviolent, despite the harshest conditions. One quote from Nelson Mandela is “For me, nonviolence was not a moral principle but a strategy; there is no moral goodness in using an ineffective weapon.” He also said “Everything seems impossible until it is done.” And “A winner is a dreamer who never gives up.”

Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s creation, the Centre for Nonviolent Communication, has given me a whole new (foreign) language, and a full vocabulary of feelings and needs to help me express myself in words, so I won’t need food to do the job. 

I can attempt to communicate with others in an honest and Nonviolent way that respects both our needs – even in situations of long-standing conflict.

Dr Marshall Rosenberg says “Shame is a form of self-hatred and Nonviolent Communication helps to transform shame into understanding: NVC offers a framework to unpack shame, move away from self-criticism, and focus on the needs that are not being met, ultimately fostering self-compassion.  https://www.cnvc.org

Mediation and Conflict Resolution

I have completed Level 1 and Level 2 Mediation Training with the Queensland Department of Justice’s Dispute Resolution Branch in 2024. I passed the exams and I was recommended for Certification. The Department of Justice runs Mediation Training that members of the public can complete.

more info www.qld.gov.au

Rock and Water  – Feeling Calm, Safe and Strong Inside our own Bodies – While speaking up

After I stumbled upon learning Nonviolent Communication, I thought for a few brief moments, I had everything I needed.

One day, I was running an NVC Practice Group and I was confronted by a woman who was not qualified to be in that particular group, and was also behaving in a very disruptive and disrespectful way. I went to tell her that she was in the wrong class.  

My words came out, but they were shaky and unconvincing and the woman refused to leave.  It was then I realised I had another problem; I thought, I can have the most perfect Nonviolent Communication script in the world, but if I don’t feel safe or strong inside myself while I speak, it’s all pretty pointless.

I instantly recalled a Program called Rock and Water, that I had taken my sons to twenty years earlier.  It was run by a gentleman named Tom Wixted, who is a black belt in Aikido (Aikido is a non-aggressive Japanese martial art.)   

Rock and Water is a series of stances, postures and simple physical movements that can help us to feel strong, safe and grounded inside our bodies.

I attended 6 days of training in two different States.  On one of my trainings, I got to meet the founder of the program, Freerk Ykema, direct from the Netherlands.  He called me out onto the mat to spar with him a few times and told me I was a “Warrior” (or maybe with his accent, he actually called me a “Worrier”!)  In any case, it was an honour to meet the man and I am now a Facilitator of Rock and Water, qualified to teach the basics.

This whole experience of physical re-training reminded me of my years of Panic Attacks and how scared I felt inside myself all the time.  So I recorded a Podcast titled “Feeling Calm and Safe” and I followed this up with another Podcast titled “9 Ideas to Ground Yourself.”  I then saw the need to turn this information into a book, and a PDF version and a hard cover version is available on this website. It’s called “Feeling Calm and Safe – When you feel safe, the world looks different.”

www.rockandwater.com.au

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Self-Compassion as the antidote to Shame

In the last 20 years, there has been much scientific research that has proven that effective healing for our “chronic shame” is learning self-compassion – being able to regard ourselves highly and speak to ourselves consistently with genuine kindness, tenderness and warmth, so that we may experience growth as human beings and know that we are loved because we have found a way to love ourselves and care for ourselves.

After 40 years of research, Professor Paul Gilbert created the Compassionate Mind Foundation.  He says that people with a neglectful or trauma-filled background have high levels of self-criticism, shame and blame and rarely feel safe.  

Even the suggestion of learning self-compassion has been shown to cause this group of people to feel frightened, threatened and to reject their own treatment. 

I have completed a number of workshops with the Compassionate Mind Foundation, and it was through these courses that I got a full handle on just how central our experience of shame is in maintaining our eating issues.  Our shame also keeps all our self-sabotaging and self-punishing behaviours in place too.

I realised how important it was going to be for me to be able to find a way to learn this additional foreign language called “Self-Compassion.”

The Compassionate Mind Foundation has created books, workshops and resources to help us learn processes to soothe ourselves in a constructive way when we feel unsafe, without abandoning ourselves or our inner children in the process. 

www.compassionatemind.co.uk

Dr Gabor Mate – “No child is born feeling ashamed of themselves”

Dr Gabor Mate is a Hungarian/Canadian Physician specializing in addiction and trauma. I attended a virtual Summit on Shame with Dr Gabor Mate in 2023, which I found extraordinarily helpful for my personal understanding of where our shame comes from and for my willingness to then develop self-compassion for my experience of shame.

Dr Gabor says:  “Don’t ask why the addiction, ask why the pain.  To understand people’s pain, you have to understand their lives.  In other words, addiction is a normal response to trauma.”  Well known causes of trauma are our experiences of: abuse, abandonment, neglect, rejection, loss, loneliness and grief. 

“Shame can trap people in a cycle of self-blame and addiction.  People can learn to understand and release their shame, recognising that their addictions and mental health issues are responses to pain rather than personal failures.  

This shift in perspective is crucial for healing, as it allows people to approach their recovery with self-compassion rather than self-judgment.”

www.drgabormate.com

My Approach – and the Bottom Line in Healing

It’s been a long road to recovery and I have tried many different types of therapy and forms of healing in my search to feel whole and to heal the past. I have discovered through decades of therapy and all my own trial and error, that the bottom line in what I do when I work with someone, is attempt to help them understand their internal experience of shame, to know themselves better, and to make friends with their inner children.  

Beyond that, the real journey this work will take you on is one of self-acceptance and I sincerely hope my work will help you to find yours – I do believe that’s why I am here.

Reflections from past clients …

Some clients names have been changed to protect their privacy, and some clients have given me permission to use their real names.

“I’ve struggled with dieting, binge eating and my body image for 27 years now, since I was 17. I’ve read all the books, bought the programs, tried the more reputable weight loss centres and visited dozens of doctors, counsellors and psychologists. They all give you basic advice and try to be helpful but nothing has worked for me in the long term. No one really understands this issue like you do. They don’t know binge eating and the hell that it is. You’ve been there and you honestly know what it’s like. That’s why what you are doing is so unique. I feel like your program is giving me lots of suggestions and options to choose from so I can do this my way. All the others just tell you what to do and what to eat and I can’t stand being told what to eat anymore! That’s the difference. I am just so happy I have found you and to know that you are supporting me with this. I feel a lot better in this short time and I am already achieving personal goals I never thought would be possible.”

– Allana

“My thoughts again and again go back to the seminar. I have learned more than I initially thought. This turned my world around because now I’m not looking for answers from outside any longer. I keep ‘undieting’. The biggest change has happened in my mind, I’m so happy I came!”

– Mariel

“Your program was absolutely instrumental in helping me overcome the grip of bulimia. Although it was still a bit of a journey after I finished working with you, the learnings and the knowledge stuck with me and I continued to work through my issues with food and eating, knowing that dieting was not the answer. Two years down the track and I am the healthiest and happiest I have ever been. I eat whatever I want, which is typically an abundance of all the amazing wholesome “good” stuff that nature provides, including my daily dose of chocolate. I am now challenging myself fitness wise, and am proud to report that today I completed my goal of running the Bridge to Brisbane 5km race in under 30 minutes. I feel like a totally different person than the one that came to see you. The funny thing about it too is that I am probably the same size I was when I met you (size 10-12), but feel so comfortable and healthy and gorgeous. Amazing what a difference out attitudes make, don’t they!”

– Mandie

“I found the workshop to be very beneficial Karla. You have certainly changed my mindset about what I am doing. I feel a sense of freedom that I have not felt in a long time, it’s a great message you are giving.”

– Chris

“I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, you were such a huge part of my recovery. I would not have been able to push through and come out the other side if it wasn’t for you. I can finally say I see the light at the end of the tunnel. My relationship with food has tremendously changed and improved and so has my relationship with my husband. I gained the weight I needed to in ‘my’ time which has had a huge impact on my brain and body function. I now get hungry! Everyday isn’t always a breeze but it’s easier to listen to the positive and not the negative. I will always remember that you helped to save my life.”

– Rachel

“For me this has been the most relevant and helpful information in a very long time, here or elsewhere. This was backed by research and sensitively presented – I really think this is an important step for me in dealing with a significant life issue.”

– Phillipa

“I wanted to touch base to let you know how I am going and to thank you for the difference you made to me. Thanks to our conversations last year, a crack in the self imposed armour definitely opened up. The difference to my life and my self is unbelievable. I experience being fully restored to “myself” and being able to accomplish my goals, reconnect with loved ones and have a life! As a result, I have lost 11kilos and feel much healthier. I am taking a long term approach and have a few health goals over the next 2 years which is unprecedented for me. I am eating like a normal person, exercising and living my life and surprise, surprise, it works. Again thanks so much for the compassion and generosity you showed me. It was exactly what I needed and most definitely got me on my way.”

– Grace

“The light bulb moment that I do what I do was not because of “real” hunger but emotional hunger and emotional needs. Lots of new insights and connections between things that I hadn’t realised.”

– Peter

“Thank you for your help last year. My sessions with you were incredibly enlightening and self-educational. I continue on my ongoing journey towards ‘mindful eating’!! But more importantly, my sessions with you were a huge emotional support for me at a time of great need. Life is pretty damn good most of the time – and still very difficult the rest of the time, but that’s life, right?!”

– Anne

“I thought I’d give you an update on my journey; I’ve been binge-free and diet-free for 18 months now and I can’t tell you how freeing that is and what it means to me to be able to say I have a life now, before I was just going through the motions, feeling numb inside and spinning out of control. That obsession robbed me of 8 years of my life and I’ll never get those years back. My husband and kids can finally say they’ve got “me” back too, only a much more improved version. My biggest motivation for coming to see you was to be a great role model for my girls so they never have to go through what I did. Well I’m doing it now rather than just dreaming about it. Of course it’s been a huge learning curve for me with lots of self-discovery and a few tears shed but I have found an inner courage and strength I wasn’t aware of before. I’ve taken up boxing and even lifting weights! We’re planning a trip overseas next year and I’m thinking about returning to Uni to pick up my studies. That’s something I wouldn’t have even considered in my other life. My body reflects how I feel inside, which is vibrant and beautiful and strong. It took a while, but now I can say I like living inside my own body.”

– Nadine

“Excellent course – taught me heaps about my pattern of emotion-triggered eating and then the shame that followed. You are a respectful presenter.”

– Carmel

“I wanted to let you know that I started receiving compliments on the way I look, and I couldn’t understand why since I was not dieting and tried very hard not to think about my weight. I have continued to eat my forbidden foods: McDonalds (not very satisfying is it?) chips, popcorn, chocolate, pizza, curry, meat, cheese, bacon and eggs! etc. My father had not seen me for 6 months and was blown away when I visited him. So I finally decided to hop on the scales for the first time in 12 months. I had not wanted to do this in case I was again shown I was delusional. Well, I had lost 12 kgs. I want to stress that at no time did I go hungry and there were plenty of times that I have overeaten non-hungrily. To a certain extent, I am still learning and misjudge every so often. I am still losing weight slowly but what I do notice is that when I start to think “right now I can lose…” I start to eat non-hungrily again in anticipation of the foods I will be denying myself. What meant a lot to me was looking at jeans in a normal shop and thinking, no that’s way too small for me, and trying them on and they were way too loose. I had lost so much weight, my “mental picture” of what I looked like, had not yet caught up. I even feel more comfortable, I don’t bump into things anymore. I actually was very sexually confident when I was heavier and I enjoyed having big boobs, but I realize that my weight was definitely an armour. So thanks Karla. I will be in touch for my follow-on counselling session with you. I did want to give you this latest in my life though.”

– Athena

“I felt validated, respected and accepted for who I am and what I feel. The course was insightful and well worth attending. I learnt a lot about the way I eat. In the past I have eaten without thinking and my relationship with food has been unsatisfying, destructive and lacking enjoyment.”

– Thea

“I want to share my experience to let you know what an amazing impact attending your course had on me. I adopted your approach that deprivation means craving and bingeing, and have over the last 6 months, been ‘normalising’ all my feared foods. It has been scary at times, I’d have to buy foods multiple times before I wouldn’t eat the lot in one go, but over time my fear of deprivation has decreased. It has taken a lot of nurturing around food to regain my own trust that I won’t hurt myself using food through deprivation or over-consumption. I’ve gained around 10kg but surprisingly feel the most comfortable in my body in years, and have much less bloat, I feel slimmer and healthy. I’m not sure if I’ve fully let go of my notions around what weight I want – just recently I’ve started losing weight which has been scary, but I know I’ll work through these fears. I’ve eaten a wholesome breakfast consistently for several months, my pantry is well stocked and I feel safe around food. I’ve started trying new foods and increasing the variety in my diet – at the moment I love aromatic foods like herbs and spices. I’ve also seen that food isn’t the only coping strategy I’ve used, so there are other challenges to overcome. I think the most amazing transformation is within me, that I can accept myself and I’m starting to like and even love myself. Life is an incredible journey. I just opened your booklet and saw the quote ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.’ A quote with the same meaning that inspires me is ‘suffering is resisting what it.’ It was beautiful global timing that I came to your course and I’ll be forever grateful.”

– Carol

“It felt safe and non-judgmental in today’s course which encouraged me to share my feelings and experiences. The content was really helpful to help me understand how to explore my feelings and the root cause of my issue. I now understand that this is going to be a process of learning and self-discovery and continued self-growth.”

– Lucas

“I have to report some great news – it’s been almost 2 years since I saw you last and I have managed to lose 14 kilos and kept it off!!! The book and your workshops were certainly an inspiration and I realise now that I don’t have to diet or put my body through a tough exercise program to get the results. I just simply stopped overeating and had some regular exercise. I am really enjoying my new figure – I went from 70 kg to 56 kg (ok maybe 57 kg hihihi) and I have set up a new business for myself, I am also training to be a dance teacher.”

– Anna

“Very informative. I was able to understand more about my patterns and gained useful tips on working with them.”

– Simon

“I just wanted to share this amazing thing with you: In June 2009 we performed at the Opera. I had just stopped dieting then. In May 2010 we did a reprise, a new costume had to be made, because I had gained weight. Last weight I tried on that costume for the upcoming tour; it was too big!!! Long story short; I thought I wasn’t losing weight, but I did!!! And I didn’t know, didn’t notice!!! It was just going very slowly!! For the first time in my life I lost weight without noticing and without a diet. And I still can’t really tell by trying on my own “skinny clothes”. But this costume was hand-tailored and was fitting very well in May… I tried on the jacket of the old (smaller) costume last week and it was fitting perfectly again. Next week I’ll try the smaller skirt. I don’t even care which one I will wear. And I am not so impatient anymore. I realise now that my body is taking its own pace. And meanwhile I am happy with the way I look. It’s going really well with eating. I eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full, I listen to my body. I hardly judge myself anymore when I overeat; it’s usually very clear when I do. Almost always when I’m tired and when I’ve crossed my own borders, when I haven’t taken rest on time. I am so grateful for your wisdom in this. Without you I wouldn’t have been able to break the cycle of guilt and dieting.”

– Nicky

“This is an excellent course – highly recommended. It is a whole new way of looking at eating and eventually overcoming emotional eating.”

– Francis

“I was at your workshop a few weeks ago… and I just wanted to say thank you so-so much. What a truly life-changing experience it has been – I’ve never eaten so much fruit in my life and I cannot believe how truly awful some of my Roolly-Roolly Scary Foods actually taste… doubt that I’ll ever eat Cheese Supreme corn chips again! I am also sure that I was simply really ready to hear what you had to say – it made so much sense to me then and it continues to resonate very deeply with me. I always knew, deep down, that Weight Watchers and the like were not for me. I have mentioned the course and philosophy to a few colleagues – and the Diet Mentality is very, very strong, isn’t it? “What do you mean you can eat whatever you like?!” is so common. It’s as though we really believe we are all repressed gluttons with no common sense, just waiting to be unleashed. I have no cynicism or disbelief about this whatsoever – can’t wait to see what my beautiful body really looks like, left to her own devices and to reveal her true self. ”

– Melissa

“Very well presented with realistic examples given that related to eating. It made me think about my eating habits, the reasons I eat the way I do and it made me feel like I could start again.”

– Alice